Thursday, November 14, 2013

Thursday Thoughts: Dissonance


Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night scared and confused. I have to touch my face to make out the shapes of my mouth and trace the arching paths of my eyebrows just to make sure it's me who's lying in my bed (... or at least someone's bed).

I'm figuring stuff out. That's natural. I'm 18.
But sometimes, and often in the middle of the night, I am shaken by the impressive level of dissonance in my life.

If you hollowed out my body and climbed inside, I think it would look foreign and unfamiliar. This is how it often looks to me. Caught between the inevitability of having to look out from and onto myself at the same time, I get lost and rattled by all of the people I seem to be all at one time. I'm the averaging of infinite people I could be, and I'm not yet anything.

From behind my eyelids I am one thing.
From behind someone else's opinions, I fear that I may be someone else entirely.
From behind my opinion, I haven't take the shape of anyone at all.

Today I'm overwhelmed by the enormity of this dissonance.
How do you get through a day that you can't find yourself within the minutes of?

Sorry for the musings,
Kristen

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