Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Transformation Tuesday: We're going to be okay (Blogmas day 5)

Sometimes I do this really weird thing.

I sit in bed and realize suddenly how many emotions I've felt in this bed. I think about how many friends I've stayed up late talking to, how many jokes I've laughed at, how many heartbreaks I've felt, how many episodes of Gossip Girl I've watched (all of them), how many debate cards I've cut, and just how much life I have lived in this very spot.

And then I usually burst out crying.

Surprisingly, I'm not actually a huge crier. Usually when I'm sad I'm the type of sad that's quieter than that. I'm apathetic and numb sad. And that's why being in this bed makes me cry sometimes.

Because this time two years ago I was as numb and apathetic as I've ever been.
And now, I'm okay.

Most people probably describe themselves as "okay" multiple times in any given week. When we're tired, busy, stressed, or just not interested in explaining how we're feeling, a lot of us just say we're okay and leave it at that.

To me, being okay means something else entirely. Being okay means being stronger, better, happier, and more alive than I thought I was ever going to be if you'd asked me two years ago. It means that I may not be great, but I'm fighting.

I'm not going to relate the whole history of the emotional roller coaster that was high school here. If you've read my tumblr blog, you can find much of that history there. I've been writing posts, poetry, essays, etc about my personal life for the last 2.5 years on that page, and you can trace it back through some pretty dark times.

Instead, I wanted to take this space and time to say that I'm okay and I hope you are too. To anyone who reads this (if anyone reads this at all), I promise you will be okay.

I don't know about you guys, but the holidays sometimes have a way of bringing much of my sadness and self-doubt to the surface, and I often spend December nights lying in bed wondering if I deserve to be loved. Mainstream psychology would suggest that I'm not alone.

So if you're experiencing winter blues like me, I want to tell you that somewhere under your sadness, your worry, your doubts and your insecurities is a person who deserves to be happy, and who is capable of feeling joy again.

Two years ago, I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed in the morning or enough love for myself to feel like I deserved to exist. Today I'm telling you, dear reader, and myself that every single one of us deserves to exist, and we all have a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Keep fighting, and realize that a lifetime holds so many experiences, so many feelings, and so many surprises, and the one you are experiencing right now is only part of the larger fabric of your life. You are more than this moment, and there is so much waiting for you.

Two years ago this was the bed I was going to kill myself in. Today it's the bed I'm falling asleep in with more happiness inside of me than I thought my body could hold.

Just. Keep. Fighting.

All my love,

Below is a piece of writing I wrote last year. It was the first thing I wrote in over eleven months that was hopeful. I hope it fills you with the sort of positivity that I felt when I wrote it.

March 13, 2013 -- The day before

One extraordinary morning you wake up, and you just don't feel so heavy
And sure... you're no helium balloon

But when you reluctantly twist your toes to the outside world - beyond your sheets, beyond these walls,
                beyond  the last six months
You may very well take off like a jet plane
To a beautiful white stretch of sand, or burnt down field, or lonely, snowcapped mountain.
Because you just don't feel as heavy
                as you did the day before

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